What if you love someone deeply, trust them, care about them, and then change your mind?

You told me one of your fears about being in a relationship in the future is that you will hurt someone.

Now this is going to sound a bit tough, but the truth is:

This fear is an excuse and borderline narcissistic.

It’s an excuse because it’s a story our head comes up with to prevent us from being vulnerable. Vulnerability is playing the game with our heart. It’s opening our chest up to love, desire, jealousy, yearning, friendship, and pain.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are avoiding any sort of pain by not living with your heart wide open. You still feel pain when you avoid it don’t you?

This fear is narcissistic because it assumes you have the power to ruin someone’s life. You can hurt people. But how about some faith in the other person’s power to heal their heart and grow from this pain? It’s up to you to choose someone who is strong and values growth in the face of adversity.

The person you hurt got to choose to take a risk. To invest in you. It’s up to them to decide if they were ready for the potential consequences.

Sometimes hurting someone can feel like you are doing something bad when really it is the kindest thing you can do for them at the time.

Walking around on your toes trying not to upset anybody isn’t noble. It’s dishonest and frankly a bit cowardly. It’s living life half invested and half on the sidelines.

You’re not here to live a perfect existence and never step on any toes. You’re here to live a full existence, which requires vulnerability. So don’t rob yourself, or anyone else of that chance.

(This was written as a response to a coaching client.)

Amber Grubenmann

Amber Grubenmann

Amber is a dating coach based in Santa Barbara, California. She’s passionate about helping nerdy guys find the love they deserve.

She is currently working at the Center for Social Confidence as a writer and dating confidence coach.
Amber Grubenmann

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