“How To Get A Girlfriend…
Despite Shyness And Social Anxiety!”
“How Do I Get A Girlfriend?”
If you’re single and longing for connection, then you’re probably asking yourself this question.
Of course you might’ve given up, or settled into the comfort zone of being single and lonely. In that case, you might be telling yourself: Nah, I don’t need a girlfriend. I don’t care about any of that stuff.
But eventually, if you’re really honest with yourself, deep down you have a desire and a need to connect with someone. We all do.
Even if you’re able to put yourself out there and date women, eventually you’re going to want more than just casual dates.
I remember when I was learning how to meet women and practicing all the “pickup artist” stuff, I did have some success.
I was able to meet women, get their numbers, and sleep with them. But after doing that for a while, I realized it’s not what I really wanted. It was more about building up my ego and self-esteem by getting lots of validation from women. And that’s ok — that’s part of the process and it might be something you need to do just like I did.
But, at some point it stopped feeling so good. Sleeping with someone who you don’t know that well and aren’t that connected with does have it’s consequences.
Aside from not feeling that amazing too me, I also had to deal with the awkward next morning experience. While trying to make conversation and be friendly, in the back of my head I was thinking: How long do I have to hang out before I can leave?
No, that wasn’t for me. I wanted something different.
I wanted to wake up into a brightly lit room, with crisp white sheets, next to a woman I adored.
I wanted to wake up to her kissing my face and whispering in my ear.
I wanted to spend hours in bed together, talking, laughing, and making love.
I wanted to love her and for her to love me.
That’s what I wanted, and I believe on some level you want that too.
So the question is…
How do you create this in your life? How do you get a girlfriend?
How To Get A Girlfriend:
3 Steps To Meeting (And Keeping) An Outstanding Woman
If you’re single and you want a girlfriend, the first thing I recommend you do is read my page about Dating.
This article will teach you the basics you need to know about how to thrive while being single. This includes putting yourself out there, letting go of the need for women’s approval, and taking risks to develop yourself so you can become the most awesome, authentic version of who you are. Once you’ve read that, come back to this page and continue reading.
Step 1 – Know Your Value
Your “value” is that sense of self-worth you have (or don’t have). One of the worst aspects of shyness and social anxiety is we lose sight of our value and conclude we don’t have any.
We believe ourselves to be inferior to other people, especially people who are attractive, popular, or well-dressed.
Most of all, we see ourselves as somehow “less than” beautiful women. And as long as you’re doing that, you’re trapped in a never-ending climb to the summit. Trying to get to the top, to be “good enough”, and to earn enough approval so that you can “win her over” by being impressive.
This doesn’t work.
There’s no top to that mountain. It just keeps ascending forever. And in the meantime, you’ve given all of your power away.
Your Value Is Not Your Appearance (And Neither Is Hers)
In order to know your value, you have to begin challenging your assumptions about value and worth. You have to examine the ideas you have about what makes someone more or less valuable.
Just because someone is more attractive or has better clothes, does that really make them a better human being? Are they really more valuable?
Where did you learn all this stuff? What messages did you receive growing up and from the media that have reinforced this?
“Gaining Some Insight Into Where You Picked Up These Ideas
Can Help You Break Free From Them.”
Then you have to go one step further and come up with your own perspective of worth and value .
So what if someone was born with genes that make them look attractive? I want to know what kind of person they are.
- Are they loving?
- Are they kind?
- Are they interesting?
- Do they have passion?
- Are they supporting other people?
- Are they tearing other people down?
- What kind of person do I want to be?
Start focusing on who you are and the person you want to be. That’s what really matters anyway.
I know it sounds cheesy, but it’s the absolute truth. Have you ever met a woman who’s incredibly beautiful, but then she’s also mean spirited, cold, or otherwise unlikeable?
It’s not all about your looks.
And it’s not about money, status, or power either. I know you tell yourself those are the reasons you don’t have a girlfriend, and I know they’re believable. I believed them myself for years. But they just aren’t true.
Whatever your story is about why you can’t get a girlfriend — you’re too short, too bald, too poor, too ugly — is not the REAL reason you don’t have a girlfriend.
Those are just smoke screens. Those are things you focus on because it allows you to avoid taking risks and putting yourself out there.
What She Really Values In A Relationship
So, there you are at a friends house and you see her across the room.
She is slender and graceful, with long brown hair and bright, sparkling eyes. She’s enchanting. So naturally, you think: Wow, she is gorgeous. I would love to meet her… but who am I? I’m not attractive enough for her — she’s way out of my league.
That was my favorite story for years. It sure prevented me from talking to a lot of women. It allowed me to avoid all kinds of risk too.
But let me ask you this: If you’re not good enough for her, then who would be?
A gorgeous woman like that, well she could have any man she wants! Perhaps a rock star?
Sure, a rockstar — rich, adored by thousands of women, long tangled hair, stylish clothes, a bandana around his arm, and mascara around his eyes. He just swaggers everywhere, knowing he’s the man. That’s the kind of guy who’d be good enough for her, right?
But think about that for a minute? What would that actually feel like for her?
We’re talking about a girlfriend, not a one-night stand.
What would it feel like to be that guy’s girlfriend?
- What if he’s an egomaniac?
- What if he’s selfish and only really interested in himself?
- What if he flirts with groupies and other women all the time?
- What if he didn’t ask her questions about herself and didn’t support her when she was struggling?
It would be a terrible relationship for her, wouldn’t it?
The truth is, getting a girlfriend isn’t about you being the most amazing, status-driven, beautiful, richest person in the world.
Those are just illusions and lies you tell yourself to stop yourself from taking risks and facing rejection.
Your value is not your appearance. It’s not your status. It’s not your wealth.
You have to make the effort to really reprogram yourself here. Start reminding yourself of these things on a regular basis.
When you see a beautiful woman and your impulse is to look away, remind yourself by saying, “Hey, there’s nothing better about her because she’s beautiful. I want to know anything about what kind of person she is.”
That mind sound cheesy at first, but it’s true.
Remember, it’s a complete illusion that she’s better than you are. It’s all in your head and totally made up. Of course, if you’re taking risks and interacting with those women, it also becomes more apparent that they’re just regular people like you.
Knowing your value is an essential step to having confidence in yourself in any area of your life — especially when it comes to meeting a girlfriend.
If you want to go deeper with this and learn how to dramatically increase your sense of self-worth and value, I strongly suggest 30 Days To Dating Mastery.
The entire first week is dedicated to inner work about knowing your value.
Step 2 – Know What You Want
The second step to getting a girlfriend is to get clear on what you want.
Tony Robbins, a mentor and teacher of mine, says that clarity is power . The more clear you can get, the more power you have to make something happen in your life. When you don’t have that clarity, it can be difficult to find a girlfriend that’s a good fit for you.
I spent years not knowing what I really wanted in a girlfriend. I knew I wanted a woman who was beautiful, because, well, that’s what we’re taught to want. Plus, the hotter she was, the better it would make me look. But beyond that, I really had no idea.
Part of getting clear on what you want is determining specifically what you want in a partner. What kinds of things do you like? What do you dislike?
How do you discover this? The fastest way to do this is to actually get out there and date women. Many different women. Don’t wait around and tell yourself: My soul mate is out there and I’m just going to wait for her to come to me. We’ll magically find each other and it will be amazing.
That won’t work!
If you aren’t stretching yourself and taking the necessary risks to meet and date women, even if you did come across the perfect match for you, you’d mess it up.
You would avoid talking to her out of fear of rejection, or be stilted and awkward because you’re seeking her approval.
You have to practice this stuff, take risks, and meet and date many different women. Only then will you get more comfortable with women and discover what you truly want in a girlfriend.
After dating women solely for their looks (and being relatively dissatisfied), I started to explore what I really wanted. I realized I like to be real and authentic about what I was feeling.
I wanted a woman who could talk about her feelings and hear mine. I wanted a high level of honesty and frankness with my partner. I wanted a woman who was self-aware and skilled at expressing herself.
What do you want in a woman?
The other night I was speaking with my brother, who’s a brilliant guy. He’s a lawyer and has always been fascinated with learning, history, and politics. If I’m the emotional one, he’s definitely the intellectual one.
He was telling me about how he went on a date the other night with a woman who was a bit younger than he is. He told me, “Aziz, she’s beautiful and everything, but… I’m just not that into her.”
I asked him why, and he said he felt embarrassed to say. That doesn’t stop me, so I asked again.
“Well, I feel bad saying this, but the truth is, it’s not that interesting to talk with her. She’s just not that stimulating intellectually. I don’t want to sound stuck up or anything, but that’s how I feel.”
He felt bad about it, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with realizing that about yourself. It’s okay to be dissatisfied, to find things are lacking and to want more. That’s part of the selection process.
Just because she’s nice and beautiful doesn’t mean you’re going to love her or want her to be your girlfriend. There’s so much more to it than that!
“It’s Absolutely Essential To Discover What Kinds Of Things You Want In A Relationship.”
Whatever you’re passionate about, you want a woman who can meet you in that area.
Take five minutes and write down on a sheet of paper all the things you want in a girlfriend.
Describe what you want her to look like, what you want her to be into, what kinds of things you’d do together, and how she’d treat you. Get really specific and clear on everything you want in a girlfriend.
Be sure to also write down what you absolutely don’t want in a girlfriend. It does you no good to get all the things you want, but then also get a lot of problematic things as well. Write the things that are deal breakers for you.
For example, I personally am not a big drinker. I rarely go to bars and I drink alcohol about three times a year, if that. So a party girl who loves to go to bars Thursday through Sunday isn’t going to be a good fit for me. That goes on my “don’t want” list.
Once you’ve completed this list, here’s the most important thing. The following will determine whether you get your dream girl or not.
It’s that important… it’s the following question:
“Who would I have to be in order to attract a woman like this in my life?”
If you want to attract a funny, sweet, intelligent, beautiful woman into your life to be your girlfriend, then how do you need to show up in the world? What kind of man do you need to be?
If you want a woman like that, but you say — I don’t want to have to do anything, take any risks, develop myself, or do anything other than playing video games in my mom’s basement — then how do you expect her to be attracted to you?
No, in order to draw an amazing woman towards you, you need to be your full amazing self.
You need to be pursuing your passions, your interests, and your hobbies.
You need to be doing the work you’re meant to do in the world.
You need to be working on liberating yourself to be free to be who you really are.
You’ve got to push your limits and expand yourself and be all of who you are. Only then will you be able to attract and keep that amazing woman.
Be Willing To Say No
When you know what you want, and don’t want, in a relationship, this puts you into the role of the selector. Instead of pursuing every single beautiful woman, hoping she’ll shower you with her attention, you’re being selective about who you want to be your girlfriend.
This involves being able to say “no,” to reject, and to break up with women.
This can be difficult, and many guys will avoid it because they don’t want to be mean or to hurt her feelings.
A client once told me he was in a relationship for two years, but he knew after six months he didn’t want to be with her. It took him another year and a half to finally break up with her.
The reality is, this process is not about care-taking her and doing something that’s not good for you just to preserve her feelings.
You can be respectful by breaking up in a clear, direct way (instead of avoiding her phone calls or otherwise disappearing like a thief in the night), but you aren’t responsible to protect her from all disappointment and hurt. That’s not your responsibility.
You’ve got to be willing and able to just be direct and say, “I enjoyed spending time with you, and I’m just not feeling that spark. You’re an amazing person, and I wish you the best!”.
I know it’s painful, but it’s like ripping off a band-aid. The longer you wait, the worse it gets in your mind. The more you avoid it, the harder it gets, and the more difficult it is to do.
Just rip off the band-aid — be direct and be able to say “no.” In the long run it’s better for you and for her (who wants to be with someone who’s only with you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings? Ugh.)
Step 3 — Be Real
The third and final step to getting a girlfriend is to be yourself.
For most people, dating is synonymous with playing games and trying to present yourself as well as possible for as long as possible. Basically, the goal is to look amazing until you sleep with them, then you can reveal all your hideous flaws and shortcomings… the ol’ “bait and switch”.
This approach to dating doesn’t feel very good, produces a lot of anxiety, and is not the best way to start a relationship.
Having learned and applied a lot of the “pickup artist” stuff myself, I was really focused on looking awesome and suave from the beginning. It often worked at first, and I was able to meet women more than before.
But underneath it I felt a crawling feeling of anxiety. What if they saw I’m still this nerdy guy underneath? How long can I maintain the front?
So, if you’re hiding parts of yourself and trying to appear cooler or different than you are just to impress her, I’d suggest dropping the act. It’s only going to make the transition to girlfriend a lot more difficult.
“Instead Be Real, Authentic, And Vulnerable From The Very Beginning. Be Honest.”
Now, that doesn’t mean you go on your first date and say, “Well, I grew up in an abusive home, and I had an alcohol problem from age 16 to 23. Honestly, I still don’t know if it’s fully under control. I sometimes do terrible things that I later regret. Here, let me tell you about them…”
You don’t have to spill your guts. Vulnerability and honesty are something you build overtime when you get to trust the person.
But, there are opportunities to be honest and real from the very beginning.
Instead of using some “line” or “script” to ask her out, you can just say something like this: “I’m having a great time talking to you. I’d love to get some coffee. Let’s hang out again.”
I’m being honest and vulnerable right there. I’m saying I like her and I’m being clear about what I want.
The weird, gamey stuff you do in the dating world isn’t going to work in a relationship. There’s a lot of relationship advice out there that teaches things like, “If your girlfriend is talking to other guys when you go out to a bar, flirt with other women, and make out with them in front of her.
“She’ll feel jealous, and she’ll come around.”
That’s terrible advice!
Having trained in a doctorate program in psychology and working with people for ten years, I’ve had a good opportunity to see what’s psychologically healthy and leads to happiness and what doesn’t.
The advice above doesn’t.
In fact, the whole allure of the “pickup artist” material is you can learn the “secrets”, which will allow you to seduce any woman without having to be vulnerable or risk rejection.
Sounds good, doesn’t it?
But it isn’t what a real relationship is built on.
“A Real Relationship Is Built On Truly
Getting To Know Another Person As They Actually Are.”
While taking that risk might be scary, it’s the only way to truly love another and be loved in return.
If you want to be able to really master this stuff so you can know your value, approach women whenever you want, and create outstanding dates and relationships — all by being yourself — then you have to check out my program 30 Days To Dating Mastery.
It will guide you step-by-step with daily emails and missions from a place of shyness with women to complete confidence in your ability to meet and date the women you truly want.
It’s my favorite program and I’ve seen it produce some pretty amazing transformations in guys.
I look forward to seeing you in there!