Approaching women can be a form of voluntary torture.

John would drag himself out of the house, interrupt a bunch of women, feel awkward and nervous, get rejected, rinse, and repeat.

After he was done with all of that he’d go home again and feel absolutely miserable. He’d feel rejected, lost, lonely, and crushed.

I decided to teach him about the 4 needs of the personality (According to Tony Robbins) and how I saw them affecting him. The 4 needs are:

Certainty– the need to feel like we have a grasp on reality and can be effective in the world. The need for a sense of predictability.

Variety– the need for new stimuli, change, and unpredictability.

Significance– the need to feel unique, special, wanted, or needed.

Love/Connection– the need to feel close to other human beings. The need to feel connected to others and understood.

All of our choices are based on our needs. We can meet these needs in different ways.

For example, you can meet my need for variety by dating lots of different women, or you can meet my need for variety by having many different adventures with one woman.

We will always find a way to meet our needs, however, we prioritize some needs over others. The two needs you are prioritizing in your life right now are the guiding force when it comes to your actions and results.

So let’s see how this was affecting John.

I could see that John was prioritizing certainty and significance over variety and love. He didn’t begin dating until his mid-twenties and always had trouble understanding social dynamics and women especially. He was very talented when it came to logical subjects such as math and science and so he focused on that.

Many men who are logical, and intelligent try to use the same approach when interacting with women. They memorize pick-up lines and techniques in order to guarantee the perfect result with every woman. They try to find the perfect formula, which will work with every woman. If they could just figure it out they could finally stop feeling rejected and anxious every time they speak to a woman. They want certainty that they will never be rejected again and everything will go according to plan.

They need the woman’s approval or attraction or else their self-worth is damaged. If they get rejected it is yet another sign that they are not attractive, unworthy, and inadequate. They need that certainty so that they can feel significant.

Imagine the amount of pressure John is putting on a random interaction with a random woman. First of all it needs to go according to plan otherwise he will feel worthless. That’s a lot of responsibility for this pretty stranger he picked out of a crowd.

What would happen if John prioritized variety and love/ connection when interacting with women?

Well, here is what happened:

  • He approached women with the intent of bringing something good to their day and making them smile, instead of trying to get their approval so that he could feel good about himself.
  • He stopped putting so much pressure on the direction and nature of the interactions and didn’t plan ahead so he was open to any result.
  • He texted me this 1 hour later ”After a couple interactions I got in such a good mood and things just clicked.” I asked him if every girl gave him their number and he said “No I just focused on expressing myself and having pleasant interactions, that got me into a spontaneous mood.”

I don’t care how hot and hunky you are, not every woman will be attracted to you. Basing your mood and worthiness on external validation is really dangerous. The better way to do it is to base your mood and experiences on how you show up to any situation.

So next time you chat up a woman, make it your aim to amuse yourself, make her smile, and let go of all expectations.

Amber Grubenmann

Amber Grubenmann

Amber is a dating coach based in Santa Barbara, California. She’s passionate about helping nerdy guys find the love they deserve.

She is currently working at the Center for Social Confidence as a writer and dating confidence coach.
Amber Grubenmann

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